A Readers comment on Goodreads:
The Valmiki Syndrome uses the katha format to convey three major messages that are relevant to all humans. Striking a balance between professional and personal life is paramount for most of us. Some may choose to focus more only in one area, and that is fine too, as long as it is a conscious decision. Why a conscious decision? So that later on life when you look back, you do not do so regretfully.
Long time back, Harry told me not to dent and paint in my life and concentrate on business. This he said after he asked me whether I was happy with my wife or not, and if not, then to divorce otherwise to let things be.
I remember telling him that I understand what he is saying, and that he is right, but I am not the type of person who lets things be. Business to me was not so important, and family and relationships were of the utmost importance.
I can see what type of a peculiar guy I am. I married a person whom I really did not want to marry because I had known her parents and her elder sister and it was an intuitive feeling initially not to get involved with my in-laws. I cannot really place the decision but it was there. So to make sure that I was not asked, I told my mother in law at that time, that I had a girl friend in the US and I was biding my time for her. But somewhere there was this curiosity also, that they would ask.
Once I did marry, the import of marriage and traditional ideas took hold, and it is clear to me that I am a traditional man, sort of in the Dharmic sense. I had of my own volition chosen to marry and therefore I would look after my spouse. My spouse was a child then, and to a large extent has remained one for most of her life. It has taken her 23 years to actually comprehend what she has done, actually rather not done, but remains pretty much oblivious of it and leads her life the way she wants to.
As a child, I grew up amongst warring parents or rather a warring mother, given to manipulation, drama and serious exaggeration. My father was a quiet person, and I hardly ever got to know him due to the dis-respect my mother accorded him, ensuring that her children too never really thought much of their father. Everything had to do with the amount of money he bought in, plus the fact that he had lost his share of the business due to gambling. My aunts say that my father was very generous and was also very intelligent.
We grew up with hardly any respect, were good at academics so school was an escape. I read a lot, initially steamy westerns and fiction, and moving on to psychology, philosophy, religion and the general inspirational story or business story. By and by, I was kicked out by mother and so had to attend a college in Mumbai and had to stay in a hostel. That was again an escape but it was clear that it hurt, not being given any value.
Only when I started working and got recognition, I started feeling confident and strong. So work for a man is definitely important in todays world.
For a woman, especially the ones who still follow the mindset that a woman looks after the family, the family seems to give the necessary area for recognition and hence work does not hold such an important place. I am not sure though if that is a good idea as we are fast moving from the traditional viewpoint and division of labour, especially in a highly materialistic world, where we are ambitious, desire more and want everything that the other person has.
I wanted a working wife - someone who could look after herself in case of an issue - like us divorcing, me dying,….
That was 23 years back. I had ideas and I had thoughts and I had visions. I thought, rather naively that we would marry and since I was so clear about how I thought we would live and what we would do, things would work out. Things really did not work out because we were both stuck up on some inflexible ideas. I did not want fights, because I can fight quite a bit, or argue, and because I had seen my mother do the same. But that did not stop my wife, who knew how to escalate rather than de-escalate.
Today she is aware of it, and if I go by the opening that should allow me no regrets because it was a conscious decision on my part to concentrate on a person rather on the business. It is also clear that in all of this I made plenty of wrong calls and could not be strong enough to take some long term decisions as I was extremely insecure about business and how it would impact on my earning, thereby impacting on family life.
Having seen a mother who went hammer and tongs based on the amount of money my father bought it, this was an eventuality that petrified me. To this extent I see how superficial most relationships are, and how people even in close relationships simply do not acknowledge or recognise any one. But such is life.
Today, having lived quite an eventful life, seen and experienced a lot, I wonder if there is any point to most of our diversions and what must one really inspire a young person with in life - what to look forward and what to aim for, if at all to aim for anything.
There is a large amount of inertia to start something new, because, when I wanted to do things, my wife did not support me, nor did my in laws. There is a time and place for most things, and I needed support. I see a friend like Harry and see all my potential realised in him, and everything that could not and should not have happened with me. I have done well but I see that I could have done maybe 100 to 500 times better. I am not blaming my in laws here, but I see how what they did and did not do, as well as my wife affected me.
To this extent it looks as if my initial intuition was right, not to get married but then that also was my own viewpoint. If I had realised that it was not worth while, and had then pursued at least my business, then I would have at least had that. Today, it is clear that we live in this marriage, but there is hardly any place where there is compatibility except in the arena of sex.
Mentally and spiritually we inhabit different planets. And it is not even possible to get her to see any thing. Or for that matter her parents.
If marriage is such a sham then why do people actually marry? For me, either it should have been someone I loved, and someone who had accepted me, or no marriage at all. But rather too late.
